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Same State as Me Sanity Deficient Kid
the blogger erYzah im currently feeling... bored excited afraid stressed depressed amused confused used bruised call me Ryzah please do pronounce it as REEZA. tenksh! nursing student. Cebu City. misses high school. dying to get out. the smile appears strawberry-melon shake. vanilla ice cream. white roses. white cats. labrador retrievers. pugs. cool avatars. beach!!! tv/movies!!! tv addict ALIAS. CSI. Joan of Arcadia. One Tree Hill. Desperate Housewives. Veronica Mars. Ed. Pimp My Ride. Punk'd. Spongebob. Shaman King. Lost. get into the movies harry potter. the count of monte cristo. city of angels. cruel intentions. shrek. finding nemo. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. constantine. star wars. beautiful mind. forrest gump. mean girls. proof. great reads the da vinci code. angels and demons. digital fortress. the alchemist. catcher in the rye. on the bright side i'm now the girlfriend of a sex god. the other daughter. veronica decides to die. harry potter. twisted. those by john grisham. Dissociative Identity 
stare into my eyes this insanity never dies look into my soul a spot, a big hole hold my hand gently feel the uncertainty listen to my voice hear the loud pleading noise grin amidst my scowl laughter despite a howl unaware of my hidden intentions beneath my chaste deception Panic Attacks
formspring.me moving out feeling crappy Regret's Bitter Cry eMo mOde insomnia cuRiosity oveRcaMe me... untamed freedom Creative Cloning seduction of the sea I'm Hearing Voices
My Obsession 
Sanitarium Admissions 
December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 July 2005 August 2005 March 2006 August 2006 April 2007 December 2009 Autophobic Introvertion 
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2.23.2005 uh-huh!another boring day at school. and when i say boring, i mean really boring like you would rather go home and do your chores. yes! that boring! I tried to hate you. God knows how I tried to curse you. I tried to hurt you by screaming words I didn’t even think I could say. but I failed. And I only ended up hurting myself. I tried to be strong. Or at least I pretended to be one. But you unleashed the mellow side in me. You made me melt like a marshmallow on an open fire. And the worst part is I liked it. I just couldn’t help but like it! You made me disarm my defenses. Like an obedient servant, I obeyed your every command and I crumbled at your every word. I didn’t know why, but I just did. And how I regretted it! Just as I learned to build my world around you, you left me with nothing but broken dreams and failed promises. You left me sprawled in the gutter holding on for my life. how I hated you back then. And with that, I tried to hate you. God knows how I tried to curse you. I tried to hurt you by screaming words I never thought I could possibly say. but I failed. And I only ended up hurting myself. 2.22.2005  ... i don't know what i feel right now. 2.18.2005 the dReaMeR's wOrLd of bLacK and bLue black and blue two shades i love the most among all colors and including neutrals because , according to experts on this subjuect, technically, black doesnt count as a color (as if the world cares!). whatever!!!am i really that bad? sigh!  Angel You have a Evil and Demonic Soul. You use your hidden powers for the evil of hell. You are in constant war with the heavens for you want to destroy the pathetic humans whereas they want to save them. For all people see in you is that any emotion expecially love is a waste of your time but your so mysterious that people don't know you do have a shy emotions that are kept locked within you. Gem Stone:Black Pearl, Eye Color:Black,Hair Color:Black with Grey Streaks that is down to your waist pulled in a braid Quote:You said you read me like a bookbut the pages are all torn and frayed 2.16.2005 aAahHHh...!!!! nAming nAMeSi can't believe it! it just doesnt seem right!!! someone actually has nearly the same name as mine. sob! im not over acting or anything... its just that since i was a charming little kid, ive always believed that i was the only sole bearer of this name and i liked it that way. well, i was just a cute child then... yeah, yeah, yeah! i know that the world has a growing population and there'll always be a big probability that i wont be the only one bearing this name. i just can't help but feel a bit disappointed not having a unique name after all. but you can't blame me! im used to being special and all that stuff. and... aAaHhH...!!! im not saying i loathe my name now. and im not saying im still madly in love with it either. ill just have to accept my name no matter how "not unique" it is. at least its not that common, right? besides, what choice do i have. im not old enough to hire a lawyer. and i would never ever squander that much money just for the sake of being special. id rather go and buy some cool car, a Lamborghini Murcielago R-GtT or even an Aston Martin DBR9. sigh! its dissapointing though. how something you carry with you throughout your lifetime and you thought was special was now giving you a disapointments you never thought were posible. oh the heck with it! i can always pretend my blasted name is still one of a kind. 2.09.2005 i tOLd yOu sOlisten!
listen to what your brain, common sense, tells you. listen to the screaming comrade inside your head. listen to the compassionate wind, whispering the truth. listen to the hushed confessions of the gentle rain. listen to what everyone tells you. listen to yourself. just listen. look! open your eyes as you make a fool out of yourself. look at what has become of you--a jerk, an oaf, a total loser. look at yourself as you cry your heart out over unfavorable circumstances. look closely as the world showcases the truth before your bare eyes. take a closer look at yourself. just look. feel! dont fail to feel the evident deception around you. feel the bitterness inside you. feel the desire to attain the depths of oblivion, euphoria. feel the earth--alive, magnificent and full of hope. feel the innumerable opportunities for love, for life. feel everything. feel it. just feel. stop! stop fooling yourself. stop pretending to be blind. stop forcing yourself to believe that everything is doing fine. stop walking around as if nothing is wrong. stop believing that the world revolves around you. stop wearing that fake smile despite that obvious sadness. stop torturing yourself. stop hiding from reality. and stop rejecting the truth. just stop. ... i told you this was just one of those dreams. i told you it was too good to be true. i told you that you were living a lie. i tried to show these things to you and told you over and over again, but i failed. you failed. because you never even listened. you never looked. and not once did you stop to feel again. now im right. i told you so. 2.08.2005 mY siNceRe ADMISSION OF GUILTim a good person. let me tell you that from the bottom of my heart.
but you wouldnt like me when i get mad... so i send my deepest apologies to the person whom i have isulted, whom i released my anger to. the one whom i made my shameful post in this blog. (click here to check out the post) and as honest as i can be, let me assure you: i am really mortified with what i have done. i was just so annoyed that i became reckless of letting out my stupid notions (but you cant blame me for being so damn opinionated). i was so mad at the circumstances that i poured my anger at this person. so im terribly sorry. believe me, i am not making an excuse. i am sorry. im sorry for letting myself commit this embarrasing deed. im sorry for insulting a good person. im sorry for the consequences of my actions. but unfortunately, i am never ever going to be sorry for doing it. and if i were to turn back time, i would do it all over again. hahaha... i guess its just the devil in me. truly, i say to you, I AM A GOOD PERSON; YOU JUST WOULDNT LIKE ME WHEN IM MAD. 2.02.2005 oscar nominee for best dramai wanted to write. i wanted to put my feelings into words. i wanted to tell the world what i thought about politics, sports, music, movies, books and animes. especially animes.
but something stopped me; and like a jolt of lightning, it struck me straight to my heart. i couldnt write. its not that i wouldnt. ive been dying to scribble notes into my handy dandy notebook, but i just couldnt. damn, i just couldnt. i tried to fight back the tears from falling, but failure caught me by surprise as i thought, "God must hate me." and like an animal awaiting for release, the tears crept down my cheeks. it hurt. it hurt as if my brain were removed and fed to the sharks. it hurt like my hands were on the process of amputation without any anaesthesia at all. with the pain tearing my heart into pieces, i badly wanted to die. i wanted to get a gun and pull the trigger so suddenly that even my soul would be surprised. i couldnt handle it any longer. i couldnt live now. i couldnt live when theres something stopping me from attaining my personal legend--writing. i couldnt take living any single second knowing that i'll never be able to write again. i was losing the fight. losing my sanity. after this terrible incident, i couldnt bear living a barren life. they've taken it away from me. they've taken the one thing that mattered the most. they might as well take my miserable life. i couldnt live now. not without my pen... |
